"Out for what do you need that gun?"

The Last Man On Earth premiered this Sunday, and I congratulate the show's writers for how they started this new series. [Warning: There be spoilers ahead.]

I Don't Know Grammar: An Editorial Confession

I have been copy editing for over a decade, and in that time, I've had to come to grips with my personal editorial shortcomings (every editor has some). And today, National Grammar Day, seems like the perfect time to confess one of those shortcomings to you, dear readers:

I don't know what grammar is. Not really.

Grammar Day: The Semicolon

Image via Wikipedia

He started the tale of Old Elmer, the bird,
Monique and Bologna, two horses from Spain,
A doctor, Vlad Halfshod the Great and Absurd,
Newt Gingrich, a nun with three eyes, and Mark Twain.

The story was long, and he wanted to share,
But he stopped and was silent, his face muscles tense.
I asked what was wrong. He replied with a glare,
"This rambling story just doesn't make sense!"

I spotted the problem; I knew what to do:
I pulled out a bag from my coat and I said,
"I have just the tool that can see this thing through!"
 He peered in the bag, started shaking his head.

He poured the bag's contents out onto the table.
"What is this?!" he exclaimed, "It can help me? But how?"
"These old semicolons," I said, "Will be able
To fix your poor story." And then I showed how.

He listened intently; he did not demur
As I taught how to use them, taught how and taught when.
And when he felt confident, strong, and secure,
He took up my old punctuation, and then

He told the whole tale of Old Elmer, the bird;
Monique and Bologna, two horses from Spain;
A doctor; Vlad Halfshod the Great and Absurd;
Newt Gingrich; a nun with three eyes; and Mark Twain.

Grammar Day: Anger in the Express Line

Image via Wikipedia

"10 items or less" when it should be "or fewer"
Gets some people angry at the grocery store.
As for myself, I only get angry
At the douche in my way with 12 items or more.

Grammar Day: Making Use of the Best Words

I expressed within a poem here before
That I hate utilize down to the core.
But there's a darker phrase I hate abuse of:
That ugly, evil, three-word phrase, "make use of."

Grammar Day: Utilizing the Best Words

The use of utilize
Is something I despise.
Big-ego'd business writers oft abuse it.
They just don't seem to know,
It doesn't make them seem a pro.
Why utilize a thing when you can use it?

Grammar Day: To Boldly Split

If an editor says to refrain
From splitting your infinitives in twain
It's fine to just forget it
And to casually stet it,
But try to never work with him again.

Grammar Day: Verb Tenses

If you want to write it best,
Not bogged down by wordiness,
Then simple past or present makes great sense.
But it would be obscene
If you used a time machine
Not to write it up in future present tense.

Grammar Day: Clichés and Idioms

To celebrate National Grammar Day, I'll be posting silly little writing-related poems all day. They won't be limited to grammar, but will cover all the editorial arts — grammar, usage, style, punctuation, and maybe even spelling.

So Happy Grammar Day!

Idioms and old clichés
In the most conventient ways
Will let you get across a thought much quicker.
But cliché overuse
And idiom abuse
Will only leave your readers feeling sicker.

Grammar Day: The Overworked Apostrophe

I hope that I shall never see
That small mark, the apostrophe,
Used to make a some out of a one.
But, alas, the grocer errs,
Selling grape's and lime's and pear's;
The work of editors is never done.

[Note: I had intended to schedule this post to go live at 12:15 pm, but I neglected to change "AM" to "PM" in the scheduler. This was intended to be the second poem in the series, which is why the introduction to the series appears in the next poem and not this one.]