Thursday, December 20, 2012

Ten Great Things about the End of the World

Thinking about the apocalypse can be scary. The end of all of one's hopes and plans in some great (and possibly painful) conflagration is enough to give anyone nightmares. But the end of the world isn't all bad. Here are ten things you can actually look forward to after the planet is destroyed/the universe ceases to exist/everyone else is raptured:

1. No more annoying buzzwords, catch phrases, or misguided portmanteaux.
When the world ends, there will be no more selfies, bromances, or chillaxing. No more jokes that make people LOL, no more YOLO, and no one will ever again complain that your blog posts are TL;DR. Nothing will ever again be described as being impacted by leveraging synergies.
And there will literally be no more literally.
2. No more celebrity "news."
Goodbye, Paris Hilton. Goodbye, Snooki. So long, Kelly Osborne. Adios, Kardashians. And Dane Cook? Well, just screw Dane Cook. I'd like to say it was nice to have known you, but really, it wasn't.
English: Dane Cook
"I keep my hand here so you can't choke me to death." (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
3. No more in-laws.
No caption needed, I think. (from Awkward Family Photos)
4. No Star Wars VII.
If the world ends tomorrow, you will not have to make that difficult choice about whether to shell out the big bucks to see Star Wars VII, and then about whether to see it in 2D, 3D, IMAX, IMAX 3D, or 4D Holographic.
Disney Star Wars : Episode VII -  Cinderella, ...
"Cinderella, I am your father" (Photo credit: Gilderic Photography)
5. No more crappy mornings.
You know how sometimes you roll out of bed just before the alarm clock goes off on a Monday morning, and it's all gray and drizzly outside, and you drive to work and drag yourself through a monotonous day, barely feeling anything and just wanting to crawl back into a warm bed and stay there forever? Yeah, you won't have to deal with that anymore. No more hangovers, no more alarm clocks, no more work.

alarm clocks kill dreams
Photo credit: murdelta
6. No more crappy drivers.
You know that guy talking on his cellphone in front of you who doesn't notice when the light turns green? Or that woman who changes her mind at the light and turns right from the left-turn lane? Or the guy who pulls out into the intersection in slow traffic and then just sits there in front of you in his SUV waiting for traffic to move while your light turns green, then yellow, then red again? Or how about the woman on the highway who tailgates you in the right lane even though you're already going 10 miles over the speed limit?

Guess what: It's the end of the world for them, too.
Road Rage*
"Get outta the way, you pussy!"
Photo credit: PDXdj
7. Read my lips: No more taxes!
Official portrait of George H. W. Bush, former...
"Unless we can pass that End-of-the-World Tax in time!" (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
8. No more annoying grammar and usage errors.
If the world ends, you will never again suffer a misplaced apostrophe, misused quotation marks, egregious homophonic mix-up, or misspelled tattoo. (Just soak that in for a moment. Feels good, doesn't it?)

You will also never again have to put up with trolls who question your intelligence, your parentage, and the dispensation of your fecal material simply because you made a typo in a blog post.
9. No more dieting!
If the world ends, you will lose more weight than you ever thought possible without even trying!
Diet Laxatives
The weight will come off on way or another!(Photo credit: apalapala)
10. No more pointless, self-serving, linkbaiting (and self-referential) top-ten lists.
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